The Inner struggle that kills Relationships

Photo by Eric Ward on Unsplash

So you can’t stand your partner. You used to love them, but lately you find them annoying. You don’t want to live with them. But you don’t want to leave them either.

You know what’s going on.

A habitual pattern in your relationship could be stopping you from communicating, and that’s probably what’s gotten you here.

To put it another way: Do you know what triggers the irresistible urge to end a relationship? The answer is something you might not expect.

You probably are reacting to something you’ve learned in your parent’s relationship, a kind of foundation for your social world and skillsets.

Here’s how it works:

Your own values and perceptions are often at odds with those of your partner. These aren’t values to which you’re necessarily held equally.

The difference can be substantial. In some cases, they are irreconcilable.

Your new-found distaste for your partner is likely rooted in your own deep-rooted shame about how the other person sees you, rather than something your partner has done.

An unsettling thought: Why do I have such a bad feeling about this person? What happened? I bet I could change it.

An even more unsettling thought: Why can’t I change it? Why can’t I walk away from this one?

You know what’s going on. You’ve been getting emotionally hurt for years and have been trying to convince yourself that you love your partner, but maybe it doesn’t really feel that way.

You say you love them but it just feels like you don’t feel that way. The parts of you that feel safe are growing tired of it. You’re starting to wonder what it all means about you, your partner, and how you fit in. You feel much more comfortable together than you used to, but you don’t know if you really believe that.

You know what’s going on. You’ve done a lot to become conscious of your feelings, to practice self-compassion and keep moving your boundaries, but you’re still hurting by them. It just feels so uncomfortable, not because you’re not happy or even with your partner, but because you know that it’s due to something else.

You have a lot to protect and a lot of distance between you and your partner.

What’s going on: Some relationships give you both a lot, and others empty you out. The painful feelings you have to move away from aren’t fair.

The overwhelming feelings of fear, responsibility, obligation, insecurity, and inadequacy are the result of constantly balancing your role as ‘the one’ and as a person with your partner’s role as ‘the one.’ It’s your job to look out for yourself and make sure you have the best life possible.

You know what’s going on. You’ve done a lot to become conscious of your feelings, to practice self-compassion and keep moving your boundaries, but you’re still hurting by them. It just feels so uncomfortable, not because you’re not happy or even with your partner, but because you know that it’s due to something else.

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