There is no genuine success without emotional success. Yet of the over three thousand emotions that we have words to describe. The average person experience is only about a dozen different ones in the course of an average week. We remember that this doesn’t reflect our emotional capacity; but rather the limitations of our present patterns of focus. There are 3,000 words in the English thesaurus that describe various emotions. In that 1051 words describe positive emotions, while 2086 almost twice as many describe negative emotions. But what this means is that we’ve made so many words to describe an unpleasant emotion. And we tend to focus more on what is unpleasant about life than looking at the bright side.
Life is an emotional experience.
The quality of emotion you experience every day ultimately determines the quality of your life. And above all, your happiness depends on it. One key problem with most people is that they’re not able to understand what they feel or they find it hard to name their emotions. This is a place where you need to become emotionally intelligent and become emotionally aware of the feelings you’re experiencing. Emotional intelligence is your ability to identify what you’re feeling, why you’re feeling it and how your feelings not only affect you but all those around you.So when we learn to become more emotionally intelligent, we begin to master self — really know thyself, and understand what it is that is keeping you stuck. What limits you, and what triggers you, what get you angry, what gets you sad, and hurt, what causes you to take things so personally.
So when you are improving your emotional intelligence, what that will allow you to do is become less reactive and more interactive with conversations. When you’re in control of your emotions, you’re emotionally intelligent. When emotions are controlling you, you’re acting irrationally and emotionally enslaved. The only way to effectively use your emotions is to understand how they all serve you. You must learn from your emotions and use them to create the results you want. Emotions are action signals. Very often their meanings are hidden. And we seldom ignore these hidden messages.
There’s so much to learn from an emotion, even the unpleasant emotions.
All emotions are a call for action. Once you’re familiar with the hidden messages in emotion and it’s action signal, your unpleasant emotions can become your ally. Learning to use these signals frees you from the fears and allows you to experience all the richness of which we humans are capable. There are hidden messages in every emotion. We’re aware of the messages behind our pleasant emotions, but we’re not well aware of the messages behind our unpleasant emotions. When we do not understand our emotions, they become unpleasant experiences to us. All negative emotions contain within them positive messages or instructions that can help us grow as better human beings. We experience emotions for several reasons. We experience them because emotions are the language of the subconscious mind. We can master our negative, unpleasant emotions when we learn how they serve us rather than enslave us. Let’s look at the emotion HURT for example. As we make our journey through life none of us escapes being hurt.
These painful feelings arise when we experience loss. It could be a loss of trust or an expectation that is not being met by us or by others who are dear to us. You’re likely to feel hurt when you’re betrayed badly treated or ignored by people you care about. It hurts when they’re insensitive to your needs. Therefore we feel disappointed and we communicate the feeling of hurt through various emotions like pain or anger. What is the hidden message in HURT.
Benjamin Franklin said “those things that hurt instruct”. The message in hurt is that your expectations have not been met. Many times this feeling arises when we’ve expected somebody to keep their word and they didn’t. In this case you feel a loss of intimacy with this person. Maybe a loss of trust. This sense of loss is what creates the feeling of hurt. The solution is to realize that, in reality you may not have lost anything. Maybe what you need to lose is the false perception that this person is trying to wound you or hurt you. Maybe they don’t realize the impact of their actions on your life. In reality, most people are ignorant about the impact of their words and deeds in other people’s lives. Secondly, communicate with the individuals who’s hurting you and tell them how you feel.
Communicate your expectations with other people. People will not know your expectations until you tell them. Certain things are valuable to you but they may not be valuable to other people. Our values are different. Communicate your values to others especially your dear ones. Let them know what’s important to you and what your expectations of others are. We feel angry when we’re hurt. What does anger teach us? How can anger serve us rather than aggravate more chaos? You feel angry when you take offence at being hurt or experiencing loss. Angry feelings arise when you feel helpless, threatened, deprived or unfairly treated. Anger is a physiological sensation due to the biochemical reaction in your body.
Adrenaline is created in the body as a protective mechanism that prepares our body to fight against the attack. Bodily tension and other disturbing emotions often accompany anger. You can experience frustration, irritability, annoyance, resentment, hatred or even rage at various levels. You may be choosing to react with anger in a dominating manner rather than feel hurt. Because you perceive hurt as a sign of vulnerability. Anger keeps people at a distance.
And this enables you to conceal your vulnerability. In fact anger is nothing but a shield that covers your underlying fears and hurts. Inside a short-tempered person, there is unsettling hurt, frustration and a cry for help. The hidden message in anger is that an important rule or standard that you hold for your life has been violated by someone else, or maybe even by you. You feel angry with certain standards on that. When some of the rules you have about life are violated you feel angry and rage.
Most anger isn’t happening in the actual context of what’s going on. It’s an old story coming up, an old hurt, an old wound, an old concern. Am i respected enough?am I cared for enough? How dare they? All these things are the Child Mind, they’re the Ego Mind, I just call it the Drama Mind. The thing that wants to make something a bigger problem than it really is!. Because you have no perspective on life. About that as you’ve traveled or you’ve experienced more in life; you’ve realized a lot of people have a very difficulty in life. You’ve realized, there’s a lot of poverty. Realize, there’s a lot of struggles, you realize there’s a lot of hurt and pain. And hopefully that gives you some perspective to say “Geez somebody cutting me off isn’t such a big deal anymore”. Because here’s the reality, especially if you keep getting angry about the same thing over and over and over again; you are a victim of the “drama mind”. And that victim is you. You have the ability to turn that off. And the way you do is WAIT.
You enlarge the gap of time between stimulus and response.
That’s where all self mastery comes from — enlarging the time between stimulus and response. So now it’s not the drama mind, it’s not the impulsive mind, it’s the intentional mind. Anger is no way of telling other people that you’re right and others are wrong. Anger is not the display of superiority. Anger is the loud cry of an unsettling hurt. See anger is a secondary emotion. The primary emotion is frustration. Primary emotion is frustration. Frustration is wanting something and not getting it. I want to have a certain thing happen. I want to get this thing. I want to experience a certain opportunity or a thing happen in my life.If you want to get past anger you have to stop it at frustration. It’s okay to want what you want, but you got to quit that negative thinking- that negative self-talk pattern of “your bad, I’m going to punish you”. See, the moment you start to make that demand “I’ve got to have my way” and then blaming them “you’re the problem, you’re what’s wrong here”. When you do that you automatically get sucked into the drama.
You experience the emotion of frustration due to your rigid beliefs and thinking. When frustrations hit you and surely they will on many occasions, remember to become more flexible and adaptive to change your viewpoints on something that are currently producing negative results. The message in frustration and disappointment is that your brain believes you could be doing better than you currently are.
Frustration is very different from disappointment; which is the feeling that there’s something you want in your life which you’ll never get it. Constant frustration means that the solution to your problem is within range, but what you are currently doing isn’t working. And you need to change your approach in order to achieve your goal. Take care of your frustrations in life. It’s a way life is teaching you that your life is ‘off the track’ and ‘off the course’. When you’re not using your talents gifts and resources to the full extent, you become frustrated. When you don’t get the results you want, you get frustrated. Sometimes you can experience this emotion without any trigger. When you focus too much on life’s problems, you can get frustrated.
Constant irritability, feeling of annoyance, discomfort, and a state of unhappiness stems up as a result of continuing frustrations. As frustration grows and when you begin to accept helplessness as a result another major emotional state strikes you. That’s called the Big D — depression/ When you suffer pain and loss and do not express and resolve your feelings of helplessness, hurt, anger, and grief you will eventually experience depression. When you’re depressed, you tend to focus on your losses, your inner emptiness, unfulfilled dreams, and problems. You may experience a feeling of helplessness and worthlessness.
According to Martin Seligman, the father of positive psychology in his book ‘Learned Optimism’ he writes; “a pessimistic explanatory style is it the core of all depressed thinking”. A negative concept of the future, the self in the world stems from seeing the causes of bad events as permanent, pervasive, and personal and seeing the causes of good events in the opposite way. The state of depression is sending a strong message. The hidden message in depression is to find a purpose in life. The message is invoking the depressed to reevaluate what is absolutely important to them.
If anyone is paying more attention to minor things in life ignoring the majors then that is the primary reason to make someone feel depressed in the first place. Depression sends the message to prioritize what is important to you. Instead of feeling burdened and helpless those who lose sight of their priorities in life will always feel burdened and they feel sick most of the time. People who are depressed are the most ungrateful people on earth. They don’t focus on their blessings. They look at what’s missing and they whine about what’s lost and seldom think about what can be gained. We tend to experience depression when another emotion is not well handled by us. That emotion is grief.
Grief occurs when we experience a major loss. Grief happens when you feel like there’s no empowering meaning for something that has happened or that your life is being negatively impacted by people, events or forces that are outside your control. The excruciating pain of losing a loved one can be most severe suffering we ever endure. The answer to grief is acceptance. Accept the things that can’t be changed and change the things that can’t be accepted. When you feel that it’s appropriate to start letting go of grief ; start focusing on what you can control and realize that there must be some empowering meaning to it all even though you can’t comprehend it yet.
What stops us from expressing the emotion of grieving is the emotion of fear. Fear is nature’s way of protecting you from real and current danger. It prepares you to escape from harm. Fearful emotions include everything from low levels of concern and apprehension, to intense worry, anxiety, fright and even terror.The message is: fear is simply the anticipation that’s something that’s going to happen soon needs to be prepared for. Fear is telling you to be prepared, to deal with something negative or uncomfortable from happening. It’s telling you to prepare for your plan B or the worst case scenario. Don’t permit fear to control your life. Absolutely refuse to it. Someone said “fear knock on the door, faith opened it and there was no one there”. You see you eliminate fear through intelligent action.
Face the thing you fear and fear will leave you. Fears caused by the unknown. If there’s something you’re afraid of, go study it, understand it, talk to someone who’s a professional in that particular area. But for goodness sake don’t let it control your life anymore. Think of the people that are afraid to go into their own business. They’re afraid to move to the place they’d really like to go. They’re afraid to ask the girl or the guy for a date. What are they doing?! Their life is drying up and shrinking. We’re only here for a short time. Make it a good time. Get rid of the fear. Face it.
A state of emotion that can disconnect us from the rest of the world is the emotion of loneliness. We all suffer the misery of loneliness at some time in our lives. You feel lonely when you experience yourself as separate and disconnected from others. When the pain of isolation is overwhelming, you feel heartbroken. Loneliness is an authentic sign of unfulfilled social and intimacy needs. When you are emotionally unavailable to people, you detach yourself from people, and as a result you’ll experience loneliness and boredom. You have the urge to connect with other people, but you have fears that stop you from connecting with other people. As a result, you withdraw into yourselves making yourself unreachable and unavailable to people who love you. Many irrational ideas and assumptions lead to the feelings of loneliness, including thoughts like ‘no one likes me’, ‘there’s no one available’ and ‘everyone is busy and selfish with their lives’ and ‘they have no time for me’. Loneliness can be temporary but emotional isolation and social phobia can become clinical cases. The message of loneliness is that it’s time to connect with people.
It means you really care about people and you love to be with them. You need to find out what kind of connection you need with somebody right now and then take action immediately to make that happen. It means you need to start enjoying the pleasure of companionship. Loneliness is telling you to overcome all your fears about trusting people. All negative emotions ask you to change your perceptions. They tell you to change the meaning you associate with things, events or people. Certain things if you continue to view them as painful, they’ll be painful to you all through your life. If you can change the meaning attached to almost anything then you can change the experience itself. One of the dangerous emotions that can take away your drive to live a fuller life is the emotion of self inadequacy or unworthiness. The feeling of unworthiness occurs anytime we feel we can’t do something we should be able to do.
This emotion of self inadequacy is sending you a strong message, pleading you to work on yourself. This is a personal development message that if you work on certain areas; you’ll become better at it. And you can achieve your desired outcome. The message of unworthy feelings is that you don’t presently have a level of skill or aptitude necessary for the task at hand. It’s telling you that you need more information, understanding, knowledge, strategies, tools, and confidence. It’s an invitation to build skills to tackle challenges that are overwhelming.
One of the fastest ways to build self-confidence is to think through clearly who you are and what you want. To think about the skills that you will need to build a wonderful life and career and then to work every day on becoming better and better at something that is important to you. What happens is as as you feel better and better in these skill areas, people will compliment you and say ‘you know you’re very good at that’ or ‘you did a good job at that’ or they’ll stand back and be amazed. And as they admire you for your improving skills, your self confidence in your ability to do that thing goes up and up. When you stop focusing on your growth and start getting bothered about other people’s growth, a person will become envious.
Envy is a self destructive emotion. Envy results from feeling deprived not necessarily because you don’t have enough; but because someone has more. Being around people who are happy, healthy or wealthy; when you are in pain stricken with a debilitating illness or deprived of an income can easily stir feelings of envy. When you feel envious, interrogate yourself. Unlock the boons from this unpleasant emotion. Ask yourself, some self-improvement questions. How can I make my life better than what it used to be? What are my new goals and what course of action must I take to fulfill my goals? What skills must I develop in order to succeed? What is it that I can do to contribute to the world? The emotion of guilt, regret and remorse are among the emotions human beings do most to avoid in life.
And this is valuable. Healthy guilt occurs when you hurt or wronged another person or yourself. You regret your actions and feel undeserving, wrong, stupid, ashamed, sorry or disappointed in yourself. It occurs when your anger is turned inward. When you experience the emotion of guilt; it tells you to fix certain things in life that are fixable and solvable. It invokes your commitment to rise above your expectations.
It tells you never again. It tells you no more of this or enough is enough. You feel regretful when you didn’t take the action you should have or you took the wrong move violating your gut feelings. Guilt tells you that you violated one of your own highest standards and that you must do something immediately to ensure that you’re not going to violate that standard again in the future. When guilt is not handled properly it can turn into resentment. Unforgiveness is a toxic emotion because it does more harm to the person who is not willing to forgive. Forgiveness can be a very difficult step but one that may be essential to your getting emotional closure.
Forgiveness is a liberating experience. Forgiveness sets you free.
Remember to analyze these. You haven’t forgiven when: you still have regrets. When you’re not on talking terms with someone. When you still hold grudges towards someone. When you still hold someone responsible for all your problems. When you still have not accepted the reality. When you hold negative energy towards someone or something. Or when you say ‘I can’t forget the things he or she has done to me’. Forgiveness really means letting go. Well the reality is: If you go through life you’re going to be hurt.
The reality is every single one of us as human being has our weaknesses and we do the best that we can do based on where we are at in our level of consciousness and there level of humanity. And so if someone has hurt you and we’ve all been hurt. If someone has hurt you, please first of all, just remember they were doing the best that they knew how to do based on where they are at in their journey through life. So forgiving them is something that not only do they deserve but forgiving them as a gift you give yourself. I once heard someone say “when you’re going through life- I’m not having forgiven someone that has really hurt you; it’s like you’re carrying that person through life on your back”.
Forgiveness is not a feeling that you must passively wait to wash over you. It is a deliberate choice to free yourself from the burden of bitterness, anger and hatred. When you forgive someone, you’re literally setting a prisoner free. The greatest human goal is peace of mind and the greatest obstacle to peace of mind is anger and blame aimed at other people. In order to eliminate anger and blame you have to learn to forgive. And there are four people that you need to forgive if you’re really serious about changing your life and learning how to live in the present.
The first people you have to forgive are your parents living or dead. You must absolutely forgive them for every mistake they ever made in bringing you up. At the very least you should be grateful to them for giving you life. They got you here. If you’re happy to be alive you can forgive them for everything else. Never complain about them again. The second persons you must forgive are the people from your marriages or relationships that didn’t work out. These intimate relationships can be so intense and so threatening to your feelings of self-esteem and self-worth that you can become angry and unforgiving toward these people for years. But remember you were at least partially responsible for the relationships in your life that didn’t work out. Have the personal strength and integrity to say those magic words ‘I am responsible’ and then think of ways that you were responsible for the relationship rather than thinking of reasons why the other person is to blame. Forgive the other person and let him or her go.
Say these words ‘I forgive him or her for everything and I wish him or her well’. Each time you repeat this but negative emotion attached to the memory will be diminished, almost like turning down the heat on a pot. It gets cooler and cooler and soon it will be gone forever. Now the third person you must forgive is everyone else in your life who has ever hurt you in any way. Let them go. Forgive every boss, every business partner, friend or crook or betrayer who has ever caused you grief of any kind.
Clean the slate and forgive and forget. Wipe away each of their names and wipe the images off by just saying whenever you think of “I forgive him or her for everything, I wish them well”. I forgive them for everything and I wish them well. The fourth and final person you have to forgive is yourself. You must absolutely forgive yourself for every silly, senseless, wicked, brainless, thoughtless, or cool thing that you’ve ever done or said. Stop carrying these past mistakes around with you. That was then, and this is now. Think of it this way. When you did those things in the past, that you still feel badly about, you were not the person that you are today. At that time you’re a different person. You’re younger and less experienced. You are not your true self- as you are today.
You were an immature version of the person that you have become, with experience. So stop beating yourself up for something that occurred in the past- something that a different person did. Not you and something that you cannot change. Take control of your emotions. Name them, tame them and use them to direct your life to greater advantage. When you feel an unpleasant emotion, talk back to that emotion. When you feel angry: Ask yourself a question- what am i angry about? When you feel low — ask yourself: What am I sad about? How can I be joyful at this very moment? What are these feelings trying to teach me? What is the hidden message in this emotion? You are the source of all your feelings and always responsible for your emotional responses. So make your primary focus internal. Blaming others for your feelings is a waste of your energy.
Remember people and situations can only trigger what is already inside you. When you get angry people are triggering the existing anger inside you. When you feel sad; people and situations are already triggering the sadness inside you you. You laugh when your inner joy is turned on. Next time when you’re triggered to experience an unpleasant emotion, you can ask: What do I need and want above all else here? What are my options here? What’s the best way to deal with these feelings right now? What’s the best way to resolve these recurring feelings? When you intelligently respond to your emotions, you can find the hidden messages of what that emotion is trying to communicate to you.